I have a birthday coming up and I don’t necessarily feel happy about it. I can’t pin point it exactly, but it doesn’t move me to celebrate. It’s not an age thing, I’ll be turning 29 and for the past three years I have already been thinking that I’m in my 30’s, so that’s not it. I know some of it has to do with my current life situation, being stuck in that transition where you have a job you want to quit and applying for other jobs, because you can’t quit. It is a weird situation due to the fact that I’m not in a crappy job, but the isolation of it and the commute get to me. Emotionally speaking, there are days when I just don’t have my shit together. That same emotional standing might be making me not care about my birthday.
However, I think it goes a little deeper than that. I have never been overly excited about birthdays. That is I’m super excited about my birthday from afar, but the closer it gets the more sense of dread that is present. This has to do with something so different, but probably still connected to my emotional shit. This comes from my birthday expectations. See, birthdays are a day to celebrate you as a person and if nobody remembers or makes a big deal about it, it means something (usually that you are too old for that, or unpopular), but if people remember and want to make a big deal about it, it also means something. It means you get to see what they really think of you, what they think you would like, what they know or think they know about you. Which I guess means I should shift that mindset and just be grateful for the friendships and the moments. How do you remove that self awareness? How do you stop over judging everything that is related to you and your person? That is the big question of my 29th year.