Finding Reasons to be Unhappy

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This past week I was having an argument with my boyfriend. One of those arguments that when you are in the middle of it you realize are stupid and you are wasting time of your precious life on it. Once we both realized that it was a stupid argument, I also realized that the reason I enable these stupid arguments is because I have insecurities about the relationship. I told my boyfriend this and after talking about the insecurities, he said something that has made me think a lot about my life. He said; “It’s OK to have insecurities as long as your not just trying to find reasons to be unhappy.”

At the time, when he said that, I was all “Yeah, right.”, “Not me at all.”, but the more time has passed and those words have simmered in my conscience, I’m obliged to say, he may have a point. Let’s be clear, this doesn’t make me happy. However, I think it’s something that I have to explore.

Why is it so easy for me to focus on what makes me unhappy? Why do I give more value to these things than to the positives in my life? It’s not that I don’t see the positive, I’m not a pessimist, but I clearly see the bad things with a bigger lens. Sometimes when things aren’t going as well as I wish they would, I start to focus on all those little things that aren’t going well and forget about the big things that are doing at least moderately well. It’s easy to overlook the things that are going well, because they are things like; being healthy, being able to have time to go on walks with my dog, being in a healthy relationship, being able to support myself. Meanwhile, the things that make me unhappy are things like; not feeling comfortable in a bathing suit, wishing I was in a stage of my life where I could have more pets or children, having more romance in the relationship, and having a job I actually enjoy. The reality is I shouldn’t take for granted things like being healthy or a stable relationship, because I have had health scares and I’ve been in unstable relationships, and its not in a situation any one wants to be in.

For the most part, I try to be grateful for the things that are going in well in my life, but I do find reasons to be unhappy when too many things start to pile up. It’s a bad habit, I know. I think it’s normal to have moments like this, moments when life is getting the best of you, or at least it feels that way, but I can’t let it become normal practice. I have to find productive ways of dealing with these feelings, but I’m not sure what that means yet.

*Recommendations are welcomed.*

Friendship

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How do people become friends? I’ve always thought that your friends are people with which you share some common thread. People that either share your same hobbies, have lived through a similar experience, have shared an experience with you, or share your same values. I understand that there are no to people that are a 100% compatible or a 100% similar, but I would think that you should share some similarities.

Last night I had a “girl’s night”with two of my close friends. We had wine, snacks, and we talked about everything; relationship, pets, fears,jobs, and then for some reason politics. One of my friends was so politically incompatible with me that I was surprised. I had been aware of her believes, but we had never really talked about it until last night. We were able to discuss, even argue a bit without offending each other, which I guess is proof of the friendship. It made me wonder what else we would disagree with. I understand that if you are always surrounded by people that think and act like you, you don’t learn anything new, you don’t really get to question your believes and then you are just as bad as  the other people with ingrained believes, which is not how I want to live. Still, there is something to be said about the people you surround yourself with also being people that inspire and shape your life. Do I still consider her my friend? Yes, but I have definitely realized that we are friends because of circumstance. We would have never met if we had not shared one life experience (we both started a particular job at the same time) and yes we do have things in common; our love for dogs and the environment, but we probably have a lot more things we would disagree on.

Moving

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Before the year ends we will be moving to a new house. We are so excited about this, a blank space for me and my boyfriend to occupy. It’s a great opportunity for us, our pets will have more space, we will have more space. This is a literal move, but it has got me thinking of other moves we will be making.

After this past election, I went through a stage of grief. Not because my candidate lost, I don’t think I had one (I did go vote though), but because it really did felt like people let hate win. I will give the new president the benefit of the doubt, but to be honest he doesn’t worry me as much as the people that voted for him for deeper darker reasons. We can no longer pretend we are progressive. We can no longer pretend that as long as you work hard you can accomplish anything. That will greatly depend on your sex, sexual preference, and skin color.  After my grief passed, I realized thanks to my support system and many of the other people on social media going through similar feelings that now is the time to move. Not move to another country, but move mentally, move emotionally. It’s time to start acting, fighting for those causes we believe. It’s not enough to post on facebook or a blog, we have to volunteer our time, donate our talents or money, and most importantly stand up when we see an injustice. It’s time to move into action, be aware of our surroundings and who we surround ourselves with.

Overall, I’m glad I’m moving.

 

Caramel Apples

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I recently volunteered at one of my boyfriends alumni activities. I asked him to put me on an activity one of my two friends would be running. He texts me and tells me to go down to the dinning hall to help out with the caramel apples, which my friend was running. When I get there I notice another girl helping her, but I didn’t see her face, so I went straight to my friend, ignoring this unknown person. Imagine my surprise when this person isn’t so unknown, but my boyfriends first girlfriend.

I know it is her, because more than a year ago we had a huge argument about her volunteering. She was volunteering and then they were going out to dinner. What caused the argument was the fact that he kept referring to her as his ex-girlfriend, insisted we would get along, but never invited me to join them for dinner. Once each side had express themselves and things were settled, it was clear that they were just friends and that my boyfriend is a dummy. He kept referring to her as his ex, when they had dated for a millisecond when they were like seventeen. We are close to our thirties, no guy I dated in high school would ever be referred to as an ex, that’s child’s play. Once I understood the depth of their relationship or lack of and he understood my perspective, it turned out that she is actually a pretty nice person.

I have gotten a chance to hang out with her a couple of times now, even one on one, and we get along well. We could have probably been friends on our own accord. So having to volunteer next to her was nothing out of the ordinary. It just occurs to me that  not many people would be as cordial. Not many people would decide to assign their ex and current love interest to work together. Which makes me wonder if my boyfriend would be so oblivious as to do this if I had stated hatred towards her. I wonder if he even thinks about these things, which I would bet is a big fat NO. I know for a fact that my boyfriend doesn’t pay much attention to people interactions, so if I did hate her, I would have to clearly state it.

This makes me think about our relationship. I think it’s good that we have the type of relationship were we are not jealous freaks of each other. I don’t know if my boyfriends oblivion is good or bad. I think it’s both, just like my habit of hyper analyzing things. Like the granny smith apples we were dipping into caramel, bitter and sweet.

Overcoming

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For the past few weeks I have been struggling to work out. I have felt myself get lazier and lazier. What’s even worst, I have started to see myself make really bad food choices. I would wake up think about working out and then decide to sleep in. This affected my routine, which in turn started to affect how I was feeling about myself. Granted, this was a symptom of something else. I was starting to get depressed. Finding myself trying to create a new routine, instead of feeling excited, I felt overwhelmed. I’m about to get back to work after vacationing and it all just added up to me falling in this dark whole. I tried talking to my boyfriend and his response was; “sometimes you have to get up and do things, even though you don’t feel like it”. This did not sit well with me, it was almost an insult to me.

I have been dealing with a few things; my brother and my mom were going through a rough patch and I was the person my mom could talk to about it; I have to commute an hour and a half to my job and have had some weird experiences with my coworkers (which makes me question if I should stay), which makes me worried about starting to look for jobs again; and I moved in with my boyfriend, which even though I think was the right choice, takes some adjusting to. All these things pile up in my head and make me anxious. I think of myself as a high functioning person with depression, anxiety issues. What this means is that 99% of the time I can get my shit together, get out of the funk and most people I interact with will never find out I was feeling anxious or depressed, but there’s that tiny percentage of time when it does get to me.

I did end up waking up and working out, even though I didn’t feel like it, but it took me a while and I started with baby steps (taking the dog on short walks). I had a longer conversation with my boyfriend and he was really understanding of what I was telling him. I had a conversation with my mom, in which she basically said that my boyfriend was right and I needed to get up and do the thing I didn’t feel like doing. I had to take matters into my own hands, if I’m capable of getting out of the funk by myself then I owe it to myself to try. I reached out to a friend who had express interested in doing half of a tough mudder, and I said I would do it with her. So now, we have a month to train and be ready to try this 5 mile obstacle course. For the next month, I have a reason to work out, which for many of you might seem silly, but it really helps my mental health and that’s all the reason I need.

I’m definitely my own worst enemy, I can get inside my head like no one can. Sometimes I can overcome it alone and it’s good to know I have people I can reach out to. Even if their not giving the advise I want to hear.

Acceptance

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I have come to term with a few things in my life:

1. I have to work for my dreams to come true.

2. Not all my dreams can come true at the same time.

3. Things don’t happen when you wanted to happen, they happen when they happen.

4. Sometimes life doesn’t turn up how you wanted it to, but it’s not bad.

5. Other times you get things you wanted and then realize there not what you expected it to be.

I think that the older I get, the more I question the expectations society has for us. There’s many things that I’m not sure I want, there’s many ways in which I feel satisfied with how my life is going, then there’s so many ways in which I’m unsatisfied. I was recently having a conversation with my boyfriend about what we wanted out of life. He said something around the lines of “all I want from life is to have fun, enjoy life and good company”, which to me is so broad. That blows my mind, that someone almost in his thirties, with a full time job, bills and everything else could give an answer like this. I had a hard time accepting that answer. I didn’t come to terms with it, for a couple of days. That’s how long it took me to accept that my boyfriend is pretty content. What I had to come to terms with was the fact that I’m more neurotic about my life, I stress out about things, I think too much about things. Meanwhile, I’m trying to build a life with a person that is the complete opposite. I have accepted this as a fact.

"You can only chase a butterfly for so long" - Y.L

“You can only chase a butterfly for so long” – Y.L

 

Switching it up

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After two years of abandonment, I have decided to switch it up. I’m no longer in my mid twenties, I’m no longer jobless, but there still so many things to figure out. I decided to rename the blog and start working on getting it to represent who I am now. I have not changed that much, so much of the same writing topics will still be covered, but now I will also talk about what’s new in my life.

I stopped blogging because I was going through some hectic job times, now that my life is a little bit more organized I want to give it a shot again. I’m closer to thirty, holding a full time job, living with my boyfriend and raising our first puppy together. I have lots to say, I have been reading a lot and cooking a lot.

Will give more updates soon!