Sometimes life gives you a moment of pure clarity. Where everything just makes sense. You don’t have to like the realization you are coming to. You don’t even have to accept it. Live in denial if you wish. Just remember that you had that moment, you feel it in your bones, a moment of existance, of knowing exactly where you stand.
I had been contemplating a move for a while and finally decided to take my aunt on her offer and relocate to her area. I’ve been living with them for a week now and have already started going to interviews for jobs. Everything is working out, so far, so good.
I did a lot of reflecting before moving, I tried to dig deep into my issues. First, I’m an introvert; which is not really an issue in itself, but sometimes can affect how I come across and can inhibit me from acting like I want to. Second, I get really mad when people assume I’m younger than I am. I don’t know if it is because of my short height, small boobs and sometimes shy personality, but I still get asked if I graduated high school. Now, I’m 26 and I swear I can see some wrinkles in my face. Furthermore, this does not happen at job interviews or anything like that, but at random events. I’ve always felt a bit insecure about this. The more I reflect on it the more I’ve been trying to embrace it, I don’t mean dressing like a teen, but just accepting it and saying F#^k it to the World. Third, I realized that in the past, I’ve committed to long term relationships, giving it my all without actually stopping to analyze if the guys were right for me. Even worst, in both instances when I finally decided to break it off, I had at least a good 2-3 months of knowing where the relationship was going before giving the final blow.
You could say I’m using the moving to new scenery to keep learning about myself, I want to learn from my mistakes and now before I ever get into a serious relationship again, I want to know the most important person in that relationship; myself. I know it’s not going to be easy and just because I’m in a new place doesn’t mean I’m a new person. I also know there are going to be challenges. For example; one of my aunt’s neighbors has a son around my age and she was really adamant on us meeting. If we remember my previous paragraph about myself (introvert, look young, bad relationship decisions); you could imagine my excitement to meet him (NOT). Anyways, I did meet him, and even though she was praying for this electric connection it did not happen (it probably won’t ever happen). He seems like an ok guy, but I have to stay true to myself and not jump in to the first possible relationship just because the guy’s mother is entertaining the idea of an US.
It is what it is, I’ll probably never become that girl that dates randomly “no strings attached”, I might fail at embracing my young looks every so often and being an introvert is not something you overcome; it’s part of who you are. Even in those instances of failure, I’ll be learning more about myself.