Sometimes life gives you a moment of pure clarity. Where everything just makes sense. You don’t have to like the realization you are coming to. You don’t even have to accept it. Live in denial if you wish. Just remember that you had that moment, you feel it in your bones, a moment of existance, of knowing exactly where you stand.
There are many things I could be doing right now. Work things I could be doing ahead of time, like finishing up the outline of a course, or updating some of my lesson plans. Instead, I’m doing many other things.What?, you ask. Well, for starters and most surprisingly of all, I’m making a paper mache mask. Yes, paper mache. WTF? I know. A project that has already taken many hours and will take many more days to complete. Why? Because I felt like it. I didn’t feel like advancing my needed projects so instead, I’m creating diy projects that will need my attention. Case in point, this mask.
Other things I have been obsessing about include making the perfect macaron and buying beads to make bracelets with. Making the perfect macaron is another example of a project that takes lots of time and patience. Do I need to be doing this? No, the answer is no. Yet, I find myself procrastinating the heck out of my real responsibilities and finding other stuff to improve and occupy my life with.
Why? Why? Why?
Simple, I think these activities help me clear my head, they are projects that keep me busy, but have no real effect on my career or life. Hence, while I’m doing them I’m gaining some sort of skill, and clearing my head space of things like anxiety. They are my way of starting to work on those projects that I’m anxious about without actually investing energy into it. How? Many times while you are doing something that involves your undivided attention, or you are keeping your hands busy, your head might start to understand something it hadn’t before. You might get an idea that helps you with something else.
At least that is what I’m telling myself. That is what I’m hoping. I know I will have to complete those projects sooner rather than later. If anything this procrastination is a good respite from the work.
I have a birthday coming up and I don’t necessarily feel happy about it. I can’t pin point it exactly, but it doesn’t move me to celebrate. It’s not an age thing, I’ll be turning 29 and for the past three years I have already been thinking that I’m in my 30’s, so that’s not it. I know some of it has to do with my current life situation, being stuck in that transition where you have a job you want to quit and applying for other jobs, because you can’t quit. It is a weird situation due to the fact that I’m not in a crappy job, but the isolation of it and the commute get to me. Emotionally speaking, there are days when I just don’t have my shit together. That same emotional standing might be making me not care about my birthday.
However, I think it goes a little deeper than that. I have never been overly excited about birthdays. That is I’m super excited about my birthday from afar, but the closer it gets the more sense of dread that is present. This has to do with something so different, but probably still connected to my emotional shit. This comes from my birthday expectations. See, birthdays are a day to celebrate you as a person and if nobody remembers or makes a big deal about it, it means something (usually that you are too old for that, or unpopular), but if people remember and want to make a big deal about it, it also means something. It means you get to see what they really think of you, what they think you would like, what they know or think they know about you. Which I guess means I should shift that mindset and just be grateful for the friendships and the moments. How do you remove that self awareness? How do you stop over judging everything that is related to you and your person? That is the big question of my 29th year.
Sometimes I want to sleep even when I’m not tired.
Sometimes this sleep comes up and catches me unaware.
I spend days not being productive, because this sleep traps me in its arms.
I don’t notice it at first, but it is overwhelm-ness.
It is fear of the unknown, fear of the known.
It is my way of avoiding what I have to do.
Sneaky brain of mine.
How do people become friends? I’ve always thought that your friends are people with which you share some common thread. People that either share your same hobbies, have lived through a similar experience, have shared an experience with you, or share your same values. I understand that there are no to people that are a 100% compatible or a 100% similar, but I would think that you should share some similarities.
Last night I had a “girl’s night”with two of my close friends. We had wine, snacks, and we talked about everything; relationship, pets, fears,jobs, and then for some reason politics. One of my friends was so politically incompatible with me that I was surprised. I had been aware of her believes, but we had never really talked about it until last night. We were able to discuss, even argue a bit without offending each other, which I guess is proof of the friendship. It made me wonder what else we would disagree with. I understand that if you are always surrounded by people that think and act like you, you don’t learn anything new, you don’t really get to question your believes and then you are just as bad as the other people with ingrained believes, which is not how I want to live. Still, there is something to be said about the people you surround yourself with also being people that inspire and shape your life. Do I still consider her my friend? Yes, but I have definitely realized that we are friends because of circumstance. We would have never met if we had not shared one life experience (we both started a particular job at the same time) and yes we do have things in common; our love for dogs and the environment, but we probably have a lot more things we would disagree on.
Before the year ends we will be moving to a new house. We are so excited about this, a blank space for me and my boyfriend to occupy. It’s a great opportunity for us, our pets will have more space, we will have more space. This is a literal move, but it has got me thinking of other moves we will be making.
After this past election, I went through a stage of grief. Not because my candidate lost, I don’t think I had one (I did go vote though), but because it really did felt like people let hate win. I will give the new president the benefit of the doubt, but to be honest he doesn’t worry me as much as the people that voted for him for deeper darker reasons. We can no longer pretend we are progressive. We can no longer pretend that as long as you work hard you can accomplish anything. That will greatly depend on your sex, sexual preference, and skin color. After my grief passed, I realized thanks to my support system and many of the other people on social media going through similar feelings that now is the time to move. Not move to another country, but move mentally, move emotionally. It’s time to start acting, fighting for those causes we believe. It’s not enough to post on facebook or a blog, we have to volunteer our time, donate our talents or money, and most importantly stand up when we see an injustice. It’s time to move into action, be aware of our surroundings and who we surround ourselves with.
Overall, I’m glad I’m moving.
Almost a month ago, I applied for a job with a non profit organization close to where I live. I didn’t hear back from them, so I assumed I wasn’t a correct fit. About a week ago, I saw the same position advertised in a different website and decided to reapply. They call me a few days ago and want to interview me the next day. I say yes, go through the interview process and get an offer. The thing is, the interview itself didn’t go that well; I was scheduled for a 2’oclock interview, didn’t get called in until 2:30. In the middle of the interview I had to step out, so that the person interviewing could take a call. Even the way the interview was conducted was just a bit weird. I was pretty surprised when by the end of it, they told me that if I was interested in the position, they were interested in me.
What are you suppose to say? Thanks, but no thanks. After this experience I changed my mind and don’t want to be here? So I acted all; yeah I’m interested. Didn’t get an official offer, they asked me to come back and shadow my potential coworkers and make a decision. The more I think about it, the more I’m against it. What was I thinking? Now of course they are pushing to get me there and I’m going to have to withdraw my application.
I guess the moral of the story is be careful what you wish for. Don’t ignore the signs the universe is sending you, if they didn’t get back to you the first time, maybe you should have let it be.