Birthday

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I have a birthday coming up and I don’t necessarily feel happy about it. I can’t pin point it exactly, but it doesn’t move me to celebrate. It’s not an age thing, I’ll be turning 29 and for the past three years I have already been thinking that I’m in my 30’s, so that’s not it. I know some of it has to do with my current life situation, being stuck in that transition where you have a job you want to quit and applying for other jobs, because you can’t quit. It is a weird situation due to the fact that I’m not in a crappy job, but the isolation of it and the commute get to me. Emotionally speaking, there are days when I just don’t have my shit together. That same emotional standing might be making me not care about my birthday.

However, I think it goes a little deeper than that. I have never been overly excited about birthdays. That is I’m super excited about my birthday from afar, but the closer it gets the more sense of dread that is present. This has to do with something so different, but probably still connected to my emotional shit. This comes from my birthday expectations. See, birthdays are a day to celebrate you as a person and if nobody remembers or makes a big deal about it, it means something (usually that you are too old for that, or unpopular), but if people remember and want to make a big deal about it, it also means something. It means you get to see what they really think of you, what they think you would like, what they know or think they know about you. Which I guess means I should shift that mindset and just be grateful for the friendships and the moments. How do you remove that self awareness? How do you stop over judging everything that is related to you and your person? That is the big question of my 29th year.

Sleep

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Sometimes I want to sleep even when I’m not tired.

Sometimes this sleep comes up and catches me unaware.

I spend days not being productive, because this sleep traps me in its arms.

I don’t notice it at first, but it is overwhelm-ness.

It is fear of the unknown, fear of the known.

It is my way of avoiding what I have to do.

Sneaky brain of mine.

 

Fall Productivity

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I have been trying to lead a balance life. Whenever I see myself falling into my bad habits, I have been good about getting back up before even going down. It’s silly but it always helps me to have one productive day. One day in which I feel I have accomplished many things. I had such a day recently, and it made me feel great. I woke up, didn’t go workout, but instead stayed in, cleaned, made 2 batches of pizza dough to freeze, made muscle blueberry muffins, graded all my paperwork and finished writing a course outline for a new class I’m developing. PRODUCTIVE!!! I had time to go to the porch as it rained and just sip my tea. In fact not only just sip my tea, but also take some pictures.

I even got to experiment with the different settings. This was great, because it made me feel like I was not only productive with the stuff I had to do, but I was also able to do the stuff that I wanted to do.

Another thing that always gets me in a good mood is when I feel I have been productive at reading. This may sound silly, but I love, LOVE, that feeling of reading and being so in to it that you finish and you feel so accomplished with everything you have learned about life, yourself and the unknown just from that one book. In the past few days, I read And The Mountains Echoed by Kahled Hosseini, Lab Girl by Hope Jahren, A Spool of Blue Thread by Anne Tyler, Bitch Planet by Deconic and Delandro, and I even finished a book for work What the Best College Teachers Do by  Ken Bain. I even found the Read Harder 2016 Challenge and decided to fill it with the books I have read so far in the year and try to finish it up. Just Today I requested all the books I needed to finish the challenge from my local library. EXCITED!!!!!

Anyways, it’s always hard to do everything I want to do. I have to many interest and there’s not always time for all of them. I try to stay true to myself, I’m a geeky girl, who loves to read, loves feeling creative and learning, the rest is just how I pay the bills.

Falling Leaves

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With the colder weather coming in and my latest mood, I have been finding it harder and harder to be motivated to move and do things. So this weekend I was happy to not only finish a corn maze successfully, but also be able to go on a hike. It was nice to see all the colors and enjoy the nice breeze. Being in nature helps me feel renewed, which sometimes is all I need to get my mojo flowing towards the positive again.

I have been trying to do tiny things to slowly get out of the funk. I have started baking again, made some yummy cookies.

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One of the yummy hazelnut chocolate chip cookies I made.

I have also started to push myself to write a lot more, even if it’s just a few sentences. Now I need to start pushing myself to exercise again. I did go exercise recently, but I wasn’t feeling it and I have skipped a couple of days after that. I’m looking forward to attending a Harry Potter Festival this Saturday, so maybe I’ll find a potion that makes me super athletic and want to move. We can only hope.

Just like the leaves are falling, I’m sure my funk will also fall. I have to work at it; which shouldn’t surprise me, because even the trees spend some energy when they lose their leaves. I’ll keep at it, I’ll find my next project.