Sometimes life gives you a moment of pure clarity. Where everything just makes sense. You don’t have to like the realization you are coming to. You don’t even have to accept it. Live in denial if you wish. Just remember that you had that moment, you feel it in your bones, a moment of existance, of knowing exactly where you stand.
It’s never too late to change change directions in the path of life. However, that doesn’t mean it will be easy. As I have discovered, any step I take towards a new route means a whole process with research having to be made, applications filled out and potential investing of my not so large savings. It becomes a matter of how do I want to invest my future. This has really put into perspective my priorities and what I’m passionate about. When I think about my priorities, a few things become clear; I don’t have a desire to move, I’m happy with my relationship status, I need to cut down my spending, and I want to be in a career path that makes happy and fulfilled. When I think about what I’m passionate about, more things start to come together; I love reading and writing, I’m passionate about the health of the environment and animals, I enjoy learning new things, and I love to cook. When I state the things I value and what is important in my life, I get a better idea of what I should be focusing on and what I have to let go of.
I have to focus on being grateful for the things and people I have that make me happy and support me. I have to focus on separating the time to practice self care. I have to prioritize my writing. I have to focus on creating and joining circles of people that share my interest. I have to become aware of my spending habits and learn to stop releasing my frustrations into retail therapy. I have to let go of other peoples expectations of me. I ultimately know what I want and what I don’t want. I alone am responsible for my happiness.
When I put all these things into perspective, I understand that there are things I can do while I’m figuring out what path I’m taking my future self into. While I wait for people to reply to emails, while I add and subtract what certificates make the most sense for me, while I apply for jobs, I can start to do little thing for myself. I found a reading circle to join, I signed up for some grant writing classes, I try to keep physically active, and I practice mindfulness while cooking.
Having written all these things, I also realize that I can do all these things because I’m privileged enough to have a job (regardless of my like or dislike of it) and have the time and access to do these things. What I realize is that because I can do these things, I owe it not only to myself, but to other people who might be in a similar mental or emotional state. I cannot just say it is too hard and give up. I have to dream, I have to hope and I have to at least try and accomplish self fulfillment.
- Life is very short and what we have to do must be done in the now. -Audre Lorde