I recently read Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear, it is a positive read for anyone looking for a push towards a more creative, positive life. I have been feeling for a while like I’m in between these two states, between living a creative life and this feeling of dread. Many of my post have already mentioned my feelings towards my job and my future. I do have a lot of fear and anxiety towards the future (which I recently promised to someone in my life, I would try to keep said anxiety in the low levels and embrace the day to day). However, I also feel like there is this creative side of me that is pushing to get out (which is part of the reason I started blogging again).
Ever since I can remember I have enjoyed reading books. I learned to read at an early age thanks to my mom and once I got into elementary school the librarian was so surprised to see a kid so into books that she would let me borrow more books than permitted and books that were intended for higher level readers. With this love for reading, I also discovered that I was not afraid to write my own stories. Granted when you are young many of your stories are pretty similar to the stuff you are reading, but still it’s a start. I wrote stories and essays all the way through high school, being called twice in different classrooms to read my work to my peers. I was always an overachiever and the arts weren’t my only passion, I enjoyed science and math too. As it got closer to thinking about college, for some reason I decided that language arts was not something I felt passionate enough about. Part of me was surely scared of what I would be able to do with that degree, but that is neither here or there. The point is, I pursued an academic career in the sciences, first biotechnology, then switched to biology and finished a masters in natural resources. I knew I found a field that I liked when I could read the scientific papers and found them interesting. When I did my masters, the thing that appealed to me the most was the fact that I was getting an education on the social aspects of the sciences. It was as if I kept circling the arts, but didn’t want to admit that I wanted to be a part of them.
I may have stopped writing, but I kept reading. It wasn’t as if inspiration didn’t hit me every so often, I would write a blog for a bit or write the sentence that kept running around in my mind, but I would quit or forget about it. Recently, feeling lost in my career, but with a pretty stable life I have started writing again. Reading Big Magic, gave me that final push to commit to embracing writing in my life.
What does this mean? I’m not quoiting my job and becoming a writer. I write, therefore I am a writer. Regardless of the quality of my writing, I’m still a writer. What I am doing is opening the doors of the universe and embracing writing. Committing to writing every day, any small moment that I have. Maybe some day I’ll manage to write a complete short story. Maybe some day I’ll feel confident enough sending my work to publishers. Maybe I’ll never be that good, the point is I embraced this part of me. I set my creativity free from the locked up room where it’s been.