Unhappy

Standard

I have a good job. I have a job that I enjoy, at least I enjoy many parts of it. However, I’ve been thinking a lot about changing this job. As much as I like parts of it, there is as a whole many other parts of it that I want nothing to do. I teach at a community college, my position is tenured track, which means that if every year for the next five years I keep improving myself and proving that I’m doing such, at the end I could end up with tenure. I could have job security. Which is something few and far from a little thing. I don’t take this for granted, I’m not planning on quitting tomorrow, but I do want to explore my options.  I understand that a job like this is hard to fine, but I don’t want to be in a job just because of it’s benefits. Plus there is always the possibility that at the end of the five years you don’t get tenure, so I want to make sure that I’m in a job I want to be in. Not just in a job because it has the possibility of permanency.

I understand this might be a privileged way of thinking. I understand I have no extra mouths to feed or people that count on my salary for food and shelter. That is my reality, if it were to change, maybe my opinion might, but as it stands, I can think about changing careers without affecting to much.

Having said that, this doesn’t mean that it’s an easy process. I question a lot of things. Should I stay in the same field and just change locations? Which would probably mean nothing much changes, just my commute. Should I stay teaching and change age groups? Which would mean getting a teaching certificate or PhD. Should I start volunteering in non-profits and network my way to a position? Which means I would have to stay teaching for a while until I build my resume with the non-profit. Which means a slower process. Should I switch careers, start anew? Super scary, but still a possibility. I’m smart, quick learner and have many interest, so not out of the realm of possibilities.

Add to all those questions the fact that I have been living with my boyfriend for two months, we are trying to plan our futures together and you have a recipe for a stressful person, that person being me.

It’s not that I need my boyfriends feedback or for him to tell me what to do, but I want to know our goals can be combined towards a better future. Which honestly, probably scares men a lot more than it does women. I want to know that I’m not switching careers for us to all of the sudden move or call it quits. Which gets to me, because in our relationship, I’m the one that brings the big issues up. I’m the one that has to start the tricky conversations. It’s not that he avoids it, he is pretty receptive about the issues once I bring them up, but he just doesn’t think about them, so it’s up to me to tell him.

I combine it all in my head and end up feeling resentful, feeling unhappy. Which is not good, and affects everything including my sleep. I keep things from him, because I want him to be the one who ask the tough questions, but I just end up treating him poorly for a couple of days and then telling him what is bothering me, which is a crappy way of solving problems. Specially when the problem is the unknown.

The reality of it is that there is not much I can do, I have to ride the wave. This doesn’t mean I have to ride the wave unprepared, I can ride the wave with the best tools available to me.

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