I think back to the little girl I was. I was a good student, quiet, mostly respectful. I never had a ton of friends, but always had a few good ones. I didn’t really give my parents a lot of headaches. This is not to say I was a perfect child. I remember fighting with my brother, being a smart mouth and that one time I convinced this girl I didn’t like to put toothpaste on her hair to fix her frizz. Most of all, I remember wanting to grow up, playing pretend with other girls about being in our 20’s single, having fun and falling in love.
Growing up is never what we expect it to be. I had a boyfriend who once accused me of going thru life wearing pink sunglasses. I’ll admit I remain hopeful about a lot of things in life; gay rights, animal rights, the environment, the feminist movement and race equality. Hopeful about relationships is not one of the things I am. The older I get, the more comfortable I am with myself, the less I care about impressing people, and the more I appreciate that quality in others. Sometimes I do find myself questioning how did I get to this point. Whenever I read a book that describes that finding of true love, I wish I could still feel that. I’m sure we have all felt that, that feeling of first love, the love we think is going to last forever. I’m sure there are people for who it has, but for most of us who have had our fair share of relationships after that first believed true love, I think we become more rational, more critical.
Now, as I embark in another possible relationship, I find myself measuring every step, taking extra measure to not get too involved, too attached; I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. What’s his major defect? What’s going to happen when he gets mad? When is he going to try and limit me? It’s not that I’ve had awful past relationships, but you live and you learn; not everyone is what they first seem.
I know I still have enough hope in me to still get involved with men and try and develop a relationship, I just don’t know if it is enough. I don’t know if I can get pass my walls to actually give my heart again.